Umm I'm too high to move.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize