your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
