Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
