Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Randomize