1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
