So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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