Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
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