im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I wish you could order shots online.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
