she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
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