sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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