if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Randomize
