Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
