I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Randomize
