New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
