I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
