how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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