My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
