I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
