The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize