Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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