I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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