Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
