I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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