I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
