i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
