I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
