After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
