Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
