Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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