I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
All I want is dick and wine.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize