Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
