Your mouth is God's brothel.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
