i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
