I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I look better un-naked...
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
