i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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