i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
