I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I think people are normalizing furries
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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