I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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