Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
