2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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