I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
