She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
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