i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
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