True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize