Pregnant stripper...not hot.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
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