I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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