I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
