I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
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