I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
