I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
We left an ass print on the piano.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
