I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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