i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Randomize
