guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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