i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
